Taking Ownership

Yours truly? Another image from FFFFound, which I think I am going to abandon due to the site's worsening content.

Recently God has been showing me about how much of a coward I can be when it comes to owning up to something stupid or hurtful I have done.  It is one thing to name it and another entirely to reflect upon and repent from it.

Earlier today we ran a "quick pick" pick-a-date for our floor centered around learning to throw/catch frisbee.  We threw around to start and then moved in to playing frisbee golf.  Several holes in to the game, already one stroke in, I saw a couple walking in the distance pushing a baby stroller.  I quickly (and foolishly) reasoned that they were out of my range and that my throw was directed away from them anyway.  Right after I released the disk I regretted it.  The trajectory was straight for that stroller and my heart sank as I yelled out words of caution and the couple did not react (many of us were playing all at once so expressions of "Disk!!" and "Look out!!" were being thrown right and left).

My throw hit the stroller's wheels, and while I was thankful it did not hit the child that was presumably inside, I wanted in that moment to disappear.  And, in a way, I did.  I covered my face with my hand as I saw the couple stop and look.  Time froze for a bit; I must have "run" from the ordeal so much that I now do not recall what exactly happened next.  I was shaken, I know that.

But I did not own up to it—not at least to the people it mattered to.  After some thought it has become clear that I should have run up to the couple and apologized for my foolishness.

When I was in my latter elementary school/early middle school days, my brother and cousins and I were playing in the street at our grandma's house.  We were laughing a lot at the thought of putting huge sticks in the road that the cars would have to run over.  I noticed a pile of sand at my feet and in the moment thought it would be humorous to throw the sand at a car passing by.  And so I did.  I hit a truck—and not only did that truck stop, but it went in to reverse.  I froze and said "guys...?!"  My brother and cousins had already taken off.  And so I did the same after the guy in the truck said "Hey, get over here!"  I ran for grandma's house and avoided confrontation.

It feels like this childhood incident has been repeated time and time again in my life.  Running away from confrontation.  Not taking ownership of my mistakes.  I see an image in my mind of the turtle in Disney's Robin Hood hiding in his shell.

Writing this out, making it public feels necessary if I hope to really address it.  I want to be a man of my integrity, someone that is truthful and trustworthy.  How can I be these things if I hide from my mistakes along the way?

Sure, I'm not out-and-about murdering and pillaging the town, but I am caught in conviction.  A contrite heart I long for, even when this does not seem "huge."  To me it is of significance because of what it says about my heart.  The past couple weeks especially have been challenging me in guarding my heart, and this feels like a small but important step.

Psalm 32

 1 Blessed is he

       whose transgressions are forgiven,

       whose sins are covered.

 2 Blessed is the man

       whose sin the LORD does not count against him

       and in whose spirit is no deceit.

 3 When I kept silent,

       my bones wasted away

       through my groaning all day long.

 4 For day and night

       your hand was heavy upon me;

       my strength was sapped

       as in the heat of summer.

 5 Then I acknowledged my sin to you

       and did not cover up my iniquity.

       I said, "I will confess

       my transgressions to the LORD "—

       and you forgave

       the guilt of my sin.

 6 Therefore let everyone who is godly pray to you

       while you may be found;

       surely when the mighty waters rise,

       they will not reach him.

 7 You are my hiding place;

       you will protect me from trouble

       and surround me with songs of deliverance.

 8 I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go;

       I will counsel you and watch over you.

 9 Do not be like the horse or the mule,

       which have no understanding

       but must be controlled by bit and bridle

       or they will not come to you.

 10 Many are the woes of the wicked,

       but the LORD's unfailing love

       surrounds the man who trusts in him.

 11 Rejoice in the LORD and be glad, you righteous;

       sing, all you who are upright in heart!